Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
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My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
This dude got his own movie?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life