Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
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[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
snake: i have a question
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Yawning Is our body’s way of saying 20% of battery remaining