THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…


[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?


I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC


Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.


doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question


My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.


Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.


Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver