Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
when revenge coincides with naptime
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
This makes total sense…
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.