@missekay
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
@daphne_mir
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
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@missekay
@DurtMcHurtt
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
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My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
@SortaBad
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.
@candy_badass
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
@henchbeaver
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the screenplay for Jurassic Park
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
@batkaren
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.