@daphne_mir

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

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@EndhooS

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

@Cheeseboy22

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

@RuthAnnJoy

“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
-country music

@marknorm

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

@DirtMcTurd

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

@badbanana

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.

@TheToddWilliams

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba