
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the screenplay for Jurassic Park
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.