@daphne_mir

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

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@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

@DurtMcHurtt

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

@CaptainJerkwad

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

@SortaBad

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

@Douchekevin

I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.

@candy_badass

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

@henchbeaver

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the screenplay for Jurassic Park

@squirrel74wkgn

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

@nextgaara

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

@batkaren

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.