Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
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It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.