Cool puppy. What’s his name?
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
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“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific