Whenever men try to flirt with me, I tell them in English that I don’t speak English.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
alexander hamilton: wait.
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You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?
Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
“How do we hide Superman’s identity?” They asked.
A man kicked in the door & yelled “With glasses!” & everyone started clapping for him.
Cop: you have an outstanding warrant
Me: why thank you
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.