@IndecisiveJones

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

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@JanuaryJames

Whenever men try to flirt with me, I tell them in English that I don’t speak English.

@3sunzzz

You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?

Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.

@PaperWash

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

@KKAlThani

“How do we hide Superman’s identity?” They asked.

A man kicked in the door & yelled “With glasses!” & everyone started clapping for him.

@DaddyJew

Cop: you have an outstanding warrant

Me: why thank you

@david8hughes

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

@13spencer

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

@dave_cactus

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

@aka_fatman

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]