Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
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Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.