Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir