[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
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Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
#oldknees
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”