If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
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Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Me: I really think we should hide the body
Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works
My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?