them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
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Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”