them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

You Might Also Like


If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.


Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.


When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”


Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*


No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.


Me: I really think we should hide the body

Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works


My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you


Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants