them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
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Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
😂😂😂
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.