One minute I’m showing her my room dedicated to banjos and the next she claims she has to leave due to an emergency.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
The best part of being married with kids is…..is…..umm…..Yeah.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Health officials: Don’t touch your face
Me, seconds later: