For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
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[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Me, at my organ recital.
(Not even slightly sorry)
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.