@English_Channel

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

You Might Also Like

@anerdonfire2

One minute I’m showing her my room dedicated to banjos and the next she claims she has to leave due to an emergency.

@AbbyHasIssues

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

@UncleDuke1969

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

@mommajessiec

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

@NewDadNotes

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

@KenJennings

Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer

@climaxximus

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit