Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
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The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Watson was Holmes schooled
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”