Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

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One minute I’m showing her my room dedicated to banjos and the next she claims she has to leave due to an emergency.


It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.


“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”


“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”


[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess


God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.



Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.


Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer


thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit