them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
This probably isn’t good
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
live long and prosper!
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.