Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
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Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
incredible text to wake up to
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.