Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
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Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Lol #dogsoftwitter
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on