Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

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In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.


You’re allowed to steal shit from the mall. The security guards don’t care. They’re there to shoot the mannequins if they come to life.


Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao


Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.


I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.


Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.


[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”


Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.


Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”


Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure