@AimeeHelene1

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

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@sweetg35

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

@Integrity_Guy

You’re allowed to steal shit from the mall. The security guards don’t care. They’re there to shoot the mannequins if they come to life.

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@kelkulus

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

@squirrel74wkgn

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

@IamJackBoot

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

@Tmoney68

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

@JT_IV_

Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.

@rockymomax

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure