Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
screw you
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.