them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry what?

them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry i have bad hearing, one more time?

them: *unintelligible but louder*

me: haha yeah

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If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.


“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.


I went to AT&T and asked for a sim card. They told me I had to call them to activate it. See the problem…


Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.


I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.


Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.


Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album


Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Me: Yea!
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.


Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny