Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
You Might Also Like
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp