My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
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boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Not even remotely sorry.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.