*lint rolls you awake*
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Every. Damn. Time.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My work here is done
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.