my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house