“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
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Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.
Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”