@DavidAdt1

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

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@That_Damn_Duck

Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.

@TheBoydP

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

@prufrockluvsong

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

@wickedsuga

When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.

Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.

@MrPhetz

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

@Manda_like_wine

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”