Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark?
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
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Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.
So, who’s stupid now?
Vin Diesel is Latin for “the guy we get when The Rock won’t do it”
A cig takes 7 minutes off your life
A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life
According to my calculations I should have died in 1812