Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court