@Artemis_Ascends

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

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@aedison

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

@DontTouchMyWine

Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.

@celestinelea90

This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM

@NicestHippo

The first judge ever was like “When I’m done talking I’ll pound my desk with a hammer” and we were all “Ok that’s not insane”

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

@iGreenMonk

I’m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

@LizHackett

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

@PrisonCookies

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?