Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
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There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )