Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
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Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
me when I see my crush
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave