CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”
And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.