Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

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CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up


I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.


I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.


Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.


I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend


This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”

And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.


The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.


The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.