@perfect_messs

Them: What’s your favorite food?

Me: Yes.

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@QwertyJones3

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

@Darlainky

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

@daemonic3

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

@foodfacenow

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Where’s your maternity section?

Her: Over there. How far along is she?

Me: Her? I’m shopping for my Thanksgiving pants.

Her…

@AmericanGent69

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

@salamingia

You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.

@TylerLinkin

Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.

@CopernicusG

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician