Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.