Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
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I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Check out the legs on this baby
What the hell is going on?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?