me: [lighting firework] this one is called “blooming flowers in summer”
kid: it sucks it does nothing
me: it smells nice tho
wife: did you just light my yankee candle
THEM: where are you from
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
[shows them my phone background]
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“haha this costume party is great”
“sir PLEASE get off the table”
“cool librarian costume”
*sprays silly string*
“hey dude nice police costu
I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah
STUD HORSE: Ah nice
PRAYING MANTIS: What the f–
Top Five Creepy Things:
5) Dark and stormy nights
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake
I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between