THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
You Might Also Like
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down