Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
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god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
$3 #books
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok