Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
You Might Also Like
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Holy moly
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂