Noah
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
he chose this
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Bloody internet 😳
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.