The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Them: Who’s going to enforce this ban on gatherings?
The boss: People will just have to use common sense
—And this folks, is how the world ends
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’m not apathetic, I prefer emotionally constipated.