@RealRebelElle

Them: Who’s going to enforce this ban on gatherings?

The boss: People will just have to use common sense

—And this folks, is how the world ends

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@SexytotheNorth

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

@jordan_stratton

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

@TheNYAMProject

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.

@Hormonella

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

@psybermonkey

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

@TheTweetOfGod

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.