Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
You Might Also Like
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.