Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
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At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.