them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If you had more money you’d be happier.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it