Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
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The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.