Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

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i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon


I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”


Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?


*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what


It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*


“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup


DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.


I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language