Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
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Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.