You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
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I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
it was a valiant fight
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.