Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️


“I think it’s about time we had a white president”

– 8 year olds


Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”


Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”


Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge


Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.