Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
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I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough