@turtledumplin

Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom

Mfer how do you think I became a mom?

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@callmeEvian

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

@Mom_Overboard

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

@daemonic3

I’m a:
?man
?woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
?skateboard
?carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
?shred
?fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

@pilau

My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday

@AlexvanBeek

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

@Sophie2078

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

@beccafacexo

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?