Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I am having an out of money experience.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes