Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
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Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Most Common Source of Electricity
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.