Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
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Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.