Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.