@MomOnFire

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

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@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

@looktothepickle

If you love something set it free.

*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*

@StephenKing

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

@AYYSIAN

Me: “I want to go on a diet.” Food: “LOL no.”

@BuddyLieras

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

@RorynotRoy

It’s annoying how mirrors are always all like, “Hey, c’mere. I wanna show you something gross about you.”

@djdarrellripley

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?