I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Them: You’re burnt out.
T: You need a break
T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?
T: Hell no.
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Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
If you love something set it free.
*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Me: “I want to go on a diet.” Food: “LOL no.”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
It’s annoying how mirrors are always all like, “Hey, c’mere. I wanna show you something gross about you.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.