@DropDeadJud

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

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@briangaar

In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing

@Rollmaninoz

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

@idkrethink

Friend: wyd ?

Me: working

Friend: and wyd after ?

Me : sleeping for work tomorrow

@OllyiConic

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

@KWalps

priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat

@distracted_monk

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

@CoachPSays

My toddler randomly handed me lotion and pointed to my feet.

I’ve never felt so loved and simultaneously disrespected in my life.

@saladinahmed

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

@pinupteacher

The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.