Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.