In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*
Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Friend: wyd ?
Friend: and wyd after ?
Me : sleeping for work tomorrow
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
priest: you may now kiss the bride
me: hell yea
priest: sir please get back in your seat
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My toddler randomly handed me lotion and pointed to my feet.
I’ve never felt so loved and simultaneously disrespected in my life.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.