Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

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If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.


UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.


[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO


Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.


Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler


and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried


At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that’s not my wifes phone number at all.

She’s zero fun today


Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?