@shkeeber

Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

You Might Also Like

@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

@truegritrumble

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

@Bluestmoon_

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.

@TweetPotato314

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

@joeyhuggles

Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.

@stewteee

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

@Tryptofantastic

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

@Douchekevin

At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that’s not my wifes phone number at all.

She’s zero fun today

@iRowlf

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?